Dammit, Jim!
by love.devil.movies.baby
Summary: Doctor Leonard McCoy is a grumpy old bastard. Even Jim Kirk knows that. So why is he pushing so hard to get Bones to come to a party? See what happens when Captain James T. Kirk plays matchmaker... One shot with Mild Spoilers for Star Trek: Beyond


**A/N: I don't own any of the characters, settings or situations from Star Trek. They're all borrowed from their rightful owners and used here only as an exercise in creativity.**

 **Mild spoilers for Star Trek Beyond. This is a story that's been sitting on my harddrive for years and I finally finished it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think.**

* * *

"Dammit Jim! I'm a—"

"Doctor, I know," James Tiberius Kirk rolled his eyes, "But it wouldn't kill you to be social."

"No, but it might kill someone else," Doctor Leonard McCoy had no intention of being bullied into doing what his best friend wanted him to. Maybe on the _Enterprise_ Jim was in charge, but they were back on Yorktown now.

"It won't be that bad. Hell, you might like it." Jim was turning on the charisma now. Women, superior officers, and alien dignitaries all melted under its influence, but those who knew Jim were rarely fooled. No one knew Jim like McCoy.

"I doubt it," McCoy's face fell easily into a scowl. It was his standard expression more often than not, even when he was perfectly happy. In uniform, with his dark brown hair brushed flat and in the standard colors of Starfleet he looked like a grumpy bastard, and truthfully, sometimes he was. His downtime was something different. He felt almost like his old self when they were on leave. It was easy to forget his ex-wife and their messy divorce, his slide into depression, that feeling of having the rug of your life pulled out from under you.

He had been in a bad place that day he climbed aboard the Starfleet recruiting shuttle and took a seat next to Jim Kirk. He had gained a lot since then, his pride and a new nickname being the least of them.

"My God, Bones," Jim popped the cap on his beer and leaned back in his chair to look hard at him. "People really are going to believe you're the cranky asshole you pretend to be."

"Who says I'm pretending?" Bones was baiting his friend on purpose now.

"Seriously," Jim kicked his feet up. "You haven't been out since you and Liz ended—"

"Gee, I wonder why." It was Bones' turn to roll his eyes. Liz still dodged him in the hallways and shot him looks that could kill when she thought he was not looking. Bones couldn't really blame her. He should probably feel worse about how the ended, but Jim was starting to rub off on him. Besides, Liz was beautiful, but she was too much like the ex for Bones' liking.

"Don't blame that on me. That was all you," Jim broke into a smile, one Bones was quick to mirror.

"Three years in space is a long time. Plenty of opportunities to get in fights. She knew what she was getting into." The dust was settling now from the last mission, and the new _Enterprise_ was newly minted and ready to go. Heavy losses from the last battle necessitated that new crew be assigned. Despite the fact that the last time Liz saw him she all but spat in his face, she had volunteered to come aboard for the next mission. The party tonight was a last hurrah before leaving to finish up their five years.

"If I go to this party, she's going to be there. She's going to be glaring and she's going to scare off any women I might meet." Bones played his biggest card.

"Bull shit. If that was how things worked, I'd never get laid." Bones had to admit he had a point. Jim pressed his advantage. "Spock patched things up with Uhura. Scotty is bringing his new girl. Sulu's got his husband. Hell, even Chekov has a date. You really want to be the only one on the _Enterprise_ who's a lonely old bastard?"

Bones snorted. "Who are you bringing, then?"

"Jaylah," Kirk shrugged.

"Jesus man. Is there a woman onboard you haven't dated?" Bones rolled his eyes.

"It's not like that," Kirk assured him. "I figured it'd be good for her to meet the crew under better circumstances. It's a friend thing."

"I've heard that before."

"This time I actually mean it," Jim assured him.

"Well maybe I'm comfortable enough with myself to come stag," Bones argued.

"Even Spock doesn't go stag," Jim said.

"He lucked out! Some gorgeous woman practically just fell in his lap—"

Jim snorted. "They work hard for their relationship."

"Not surprising with Mr. No Feelings," there was no malice in his tone. Bones and Spock had as close to a heart to heart as two outwardly heartless men could have. Brushes with death tend to have a way of bringing people closer, and the _Enterprise_ crew had more than their fair share.

"May I infer that you are talking about me?" Spock walked around the corner, dressed down in a Vulcan tunic, his hands folded behind his back.

"Mr. Spock," Jim greeted his right hand man with a bracing smack on the back. Spock tensed up, but did not say anything. He was used to Jim's greetings by now. "I was just telling Bones here that he needs to bring a date tonight. What do you think?"

"It is not my custom to involve myself with the affairs of fellow crewmembers. " Spock raised an eyebrow. "However, in light of the current situation, I would say that it may be advantageous for the doctor to engage in a romance. Perhaps it would improve his mood."

Jim's hysterical laughter echoed off of the walls.

"Hilarious," Bones rolled his eyes.

"On the contrary, Doctor. A medical man such as yourself should know the benefits of companionship."

"Benefits?" Bones scoffed. "Tell that to my ex-wife."

"I do not see the benefit in communicating with her, even if I knew where she currently resided."

"Humor is wasted on you," Bones sighed.

"I don't know. He got you pretty good a second ago," Jim continued laughing, exchanging a look with his first mate that Bones did not like.

"Look, there's no one on the Enterprise that I want to date. I'd have figured it out in three years in deep space, believe me."

"Then perhaps someone will present themselves at tonight's festivities," Spock mused. "Lieutenant Uhura has mentioned that the crowd will be quite diverse."

"If it's the kind of crowd you like, I'll be lucky to not get bored to death," Bones griped. He was done with this conversation.

"Either way, you'll be there. Captain's orders," Jim stood up, his face split into that wide grin of his.

"Doesn't mean I have to be happy about it," Bones shouted his parting words at his friend's back, startling a table of cadets nearby.

True to his word, Bones trademark scowl was stationed on his face a few hours later. The booze was free and flowing and the crew was taking advantage, cavorting around. There was even music, classical, the kind Jaylah liked with its hard-hitting beats. People were dancing, Sulu and his husband among them, and even Spock and Uhura looked like they were having fun. To be honest, it wasn't the kind of party that Bones minded at all; with a drink in hand and a good beat in the background, he was almost having fun. Not that he had any intention of telling Jim that.

His friend was currently preoccupied with leading the whole party in a rousing line dance, something he picked up back on his farm boy days. Bones laughed from his place in the shadows, sipping the drink in his hand. He was beginning to think he might actually have a good time when Liz walked in. Her sandy-blonde hair caught his eye, followed quickly by the scowl on her face. With a mean-spirited smirk, she seized the hand of the man next to her and made a big show about flouncing to the bar. Bones rolled his eyes.

"You didn't want to join in the dancing?"

An accented woman's voice to the right of him nearly made him jump out of his skin. He turned to see a tall woman standing next to him, decked out in a sinfully red dress. Amusement played on her face. She was humanoid, with coppery brown skin and curly hair cascading over her head and around her shoulders. The two of them were nearly at eye-level; it surprised him that she snuck up on him.

"What are you drinking?" she tried another question, nonplussed by his apparent lack of response.

"Whisky," it had always been his favorite.

"I much prefer tequila," she told him.

"Good thing you're not drinking it then," he wasn't going to censor his brash manner for anyone, no matter how beautiful the woman might be.

The woman chuckled a bit. "You drink like an old man," she fired back good-naturedly.

"Old?" the woman in question was definitely younger than he was, but he resented the statement.

She simply shrugged, raising her glass to her lips and taking a deep pull. "Who else sips whisky alone in the corner of a party while others are having fun?" With a saunter of her hips she headed off to the bar. It was an open invitation to follow her, a blatant come on. Pride kept Bones rooted in place.

She encountered Uhura on the way. Bones watched them do some typical female ritual, exclaiming over the other one's outfit and hair and whatever other thing women loved to talk about. Instantly, they seemed to be best friends. Even Spock looked reasonably pleased to meet this woman. There was a familiarity there; perhaps she was a new crew member, or someone that Nyota went to academy with. She was laughing with the darker skinned woman about something, her curly hair seemingly defying gravity as she flipped it over one bronze shoulder. From somewhere to her right, Liz was doing nothing to disguise her distaste at the length of the other woman's dress.

"Pretty, huh?" Jim was at his side like iron to a magnet.

"She's all right," Bones took another sip in lieu of a comeback.

"So you won't mind if I make a play for her?" Jim looked at him with a knowing smirk that Bones didn't like at all.

"Don't you have a date?" he asked him.

"She's over there," Jim gestured to Jaylah. The top of her white-haired head was just visible from behind the Romulan she appeared to be assaulting with her mouth.

"Losing your charm," Bones grinned.

"We'll see," Jim dusted off the last of his beer. "It looks like the lady in the red dress over there needs a drink." He took a step forward, almost dramatically, shooting Bones an infuriating look over his shoulder.

"Unless you want a shot at her," Jim smirked.

Bones was behind her before he even fully comprehended what he was doing.

"Shots. Tequila," he told the bartender forcefully from over her shoulder, interrupting her order. Liz met his eyes and scoffed, turning her attention back to the man with her.

"A bold choice," the curly-headed woman regarded him coolly through long lashes.

"Bottoms up," he handed her one and raised his glass.

"Cheers," she responded, clinking her glass against his and tossing it back.

A second shot, then a third followed in quick succession, egged on by Kirk buying the whole party a round while Spock watched with mild disapproval. Someone turned the music up and fueled by alcohol consumption, Bones allowed himself to be pulled onto the floor by the accented stranger. He caught Chekov's eye from the corner of the dance floor. The kid looked taken aback, and Bones couldn't say he blamed him. His reputation was taking a beating tonight.

"I'm Natira," the woman seemed to realize they had never exchanged names. She had to lean into him for Bones to hear her, a calculated move that pressed her body full against his.

Bones was vaguely aware that he knew that name from somewhere, but two glasses of whisky and three tequila shots were muddling his brain.

"Bones," he told her, adjusting his hands around her waist.

"Did your mother give you that name?" she wound her arms around his neck. Over the top of her hair, he saw Scotty giving him a thumbs up.

"Lovely lass!" he mouthed at Bones over the music. Bones smirked a bit.

"It's Leonard. Nickname's a long story." Bones spun her around with the music.

"And what is it that you do?" she asked him.

"He's a doctor," the answer came from Jim as he danced by.

"Dammit Jim," Bones shoved him away. Natira's laugh spurred Jim on and he broke into some ridiculous dance for her amusement. Behind him, Spock raised an eyebrow.

"What do you do?" Bones asked her, suddenly aware that she had been asking all of the questions.

"I'm in politics." Bones made a face, "I can see that you're a fan," she laughed a bit.

"Well, no one's ever accused me of being politically correct," he had to admit.

"That's not a lie," Jim was back again, still grinning.

"I trust you will not hold it against me," Natira inquired flirtatiously.

"I'll try not to," he assured her. The music around them shifted into some kind of sensual beat. Natira was not fazed at all as she swayed her hips to the rhythm. Fueled by the liquor coursing through his veins, Bones leaned forward and kissed her.

He heard Jim exclaim in surprise, heard Spock make a tsking sound, felt Scotty pat him on the back. He knew instinctively that Liz was watching and turning red with anger. None of it mattered right now because the curvaceous woman in his arms knew how to kiss and wasn't shy about it.

"Do you want to go?" she asked him, breaking away for a breath.

"Hell yes," he grabbed her hand and led her out of the party, ignoring Jim's laughter behind him.

Bones woke up the next morning in a strange bed, feeling sticky, sore, and with a hangover from hell. The sheets beneath him were silk, a stark contrast to what he was used to. He opened his eyes to sunlight peeking through half-opened blinds, and a luxury-furnished room. In an overstuffed chair, Natira was sitting in a robe and combing through her damp, curly hair. Freshly-showered and her face free of makeup, she struck quite the contrast to him.

"Good morning," at least, that's what Bones meant to say. He sounded more like a Gorn bellowing.

She smiled at him. "Good morning, handsome," she laughed. Bones caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. He looked like he just had a near-death brush with a Salt Creature. He felt like the alcohol was streaming out of his pores, his hair looked like he'd been in a wind storm, and he had cotton mouth that put him in mind of the dry deserts on New Vulcan.

"Some room you got here," he sat up, trying not to wince.

"You mentioned that last night," she seemed amused. Apparently done with her hair, she left it free down her back in damp spirals.

"Did I?" the blanket fell to his waist. "What else did I say last night?" He hoped he hadn't made an ass out of himself.

"A lot of words I won't repeat out of context," she laughed outright, walking over to sit on the bed.

In the light of the morning, she seemed even prettier to Bones than she did the night before. He wished for a moment that he didn't look like hell. He felt naked under her eyes, and not just because he was quite literally naked. Something about her was regal, almost like she was a—

"Holy shit," recognition finally sank in. "Natira, the Fabrini Ambassador."

"That took you a little bit longer than I anticipated," she said nonchalantly.

"You're joining the Enterprise on a peace-keeping mission," Bones could kick himself. He was pretty sure it was a huge taboo to have a one-night stand with a foreign dignitary.

"True," she smiled. "It's a good thing I'm now so well-acquainted with the doctor. I've heard deep-space can be dangerous." She, by contrast, seemed completely at ease with the situation. Afterall, she had picked him up at the party.

Bones sat their gaping like a fish. "Shit," Jim was never going to let him live this down.

"Is that regret?" she asked curiously, but her eyes were watching his reaction intensely.

"No," flashes of the night before were returning to him, namely tumbling around in bed with her wrapped around him. Kissing wasn't the only skill she possessed and the two of them had been eager to show off. "Just wasn't counting on getting so…familiar with the leader of a whole planet," he cleared his throat.

"Well, I was not expecting to fall into bed with a cranky doctor, yet…" there was no venom in her voice when she called him cranky, almost as though she meant it affectionately.

"Here we are," he finished. Him, hungover and disoriented, but suspecting he may have had one of the best nights of his life, and her, proper and poised and for some reason looking like she wanted to spend more time with him.

"What now?" she asked.

Bones wasn't an idiot. He knew an opportunity when he saw one.

"Want to get breakfast?" he asked her.

An hour later found him showered, dressed and holding her hand as they walked through the streets of Yorktown in search of a hangover cure. Bones was eager to take her to his favorite spot, where he could introduce her to a real Southern breakfast. Now that they had time to talk, free of the influence of alcohol, he found that she was an easy person to converse with, as congenial and friendly as he was crass and moody. His uncensored observations of life did not offend her, but rather sent her into fits of laughter. He kind of liked it. The walk to the diner took longer than it should have as he gave her the tour of Yorktown, answering her mile a minute questions. From time to time they would pass someone he knew and he'd receive a curious look. They passed by Liz, earning a sour look that Bones was happy to ignore. Apparently the whole damn _Enterprise_ crew was out here just to watch him. He shouldn't have been surprised when Jim was already seated in the café when they arrived, chowing down. Bones wasn't fooled. He knew Jim had been waiting for him.

"Did you have a good time?" he asked the two of them as they passed by, doing nothing to disguise his smirk.

Bones narrowed his eyes, but helped Natira into the booth across from the Captain.

"It was ok," Bones admitted. Natira shot him a look.

"Just ok?" she asked, incredulous.

Jim laughed. "It'll be good to have you onboard," he told her.

Coffee was poured and Bones ordered pancakes for himself and suggested french toast for his new lady friend. Jim watched him as they ate, taking no care to disguise the amusement on his face.

"So, do you hate parties still?" he asked Bones later, once Natira was out of earshot.

"Might go to one or two more," Bones acquiesced. "They're better with a date."

"I don't want to say told you so," Jim grinned.

"Then don't," Bones told him.

"Hey Spock!" Jim looked up from their conversation to hail over his first mate. His voice was loud enough to draw the attention of everyone within 50 feet. "Did you see Bones has got a girl? Think it'll improve his mood?"

"Dammit Jim!"

* * *

 **A/N: Natira is a character pulled from the original Star Trek. She actually ends up marrying Bones. I've modernized her for the mirror universe I hope you enjoyed! Please let me know what you think**


End file.
